A New Day...

Today I awoke refreshed and ready for a new day. A conversation that was had at work yesterday struck me. 3 of us were talking about the need for another person on our team, but in this economic downturn, now is not the time to hire someone. One person was concerned with mine and a co-worker's health due to taking on extra work. I pointed out that we both need our jobs and will be there regardless of health issues. This prompted a thought in my head (as many things do)....boy, am I lucky to have a job! Regardless of how tired it might make me, I'm so lucky to be able to wake up each weekday and get ready for work. I think this hit me hard because for the last two weeks I have been moaning and groaning about having to go to work and how tired it makes me.....well, that has changed and I will no longer be complaining. This conversation along with an email from the president of our company gave me an overwhelming sadness for all those people that have lost their jobs. The email we received yesterday morning made it more real that if things don't get better for our company, we will be forced to cut back on hours and/or wages. I do have an advantage because I work in the most important team, customer service. However, it still scares me because I can barely keep up with my bills and if that were to happen, what the heck would I do?! Now that I have acknowledged that, I will admit that I still have hope that we won't be forced to make those changes. Every time I think about it, I get an overwhelming calming sensation and a sense that things will be fine and this only encourages my hope.

I have been awake now for exactly 45 minutes....children and animals asleep and I'm sipping my coffee. I cherish my quiet time in the morning and in the late evenings. This quiet time allows me to ponder on many things. I have to giggle because my mind races all the time, but I do make an attempt to grab onto only a few thoughts during these quiet times so I can focus on them. Most recently, there have been 2 thoughts I have pondered more than the others. One is my health and the other is how precious life really is. The first...my health....those that know me, know that I am a very curious person. As I have gone to so many doctor appointments and ruled out a good chunk of things that could be causing my dizziness/unsteadiness and the pain/pressure in my ear....I'm still left with no answers and stuck in the unknown about it. I may seem a bit obsessed about it, but I still think I do have Meniere's disease. When I ask the Otoneurologist and the ENT why they say I don't have it, the only answer they have is that I don't have progressive hearing loss. Now, to me, this doesn't throw it out as an option completely. Set aside the fact that I don't have decible/volume progressive hearing loss and EVERYTHING else about Meniere's disease fits what I continue to describe as my challenges. Also, who is to say that I haven't had hearing loss?! They have done two hearing tests recently and the results have showed that my hearing is "normal" but on the low side. Plus, I HAVE HAD hearing loss...it has to do with the other part of hearing called discrimination.....the ability to clearly make out different sounds that different letters make. Even without background noise, I struggle...and then throw any amount of background noise and forget it! On top of that, I have been pondering what the Otoneurologist has said about the dizziness/unsteadiness...she says it is most likely migraine associated dizziness and I want to know how that is possible when the problem started 1.5 years before my first migraine. Yes, I have follow up appointments with these doctors, but how do you politely challenge your doctor?! LOL I forsee that being a very interesting experience....so I will have to post once those appointments are complete. Now, for the second item....life is truely prescious! I have known this for a very long time....ever since my mother passed away when I was 14, but it's very easy to forget how prescious life really is. On 2/6/09 a co-worker of mine was killed in a horrid car accident in the prime of his life. He was such a wonderful person and had only been married for 3 months, it's hard to understand why his life was cut so short. There is no understanding why it happened and I know that based on my previous experiences with loss. It's been several weeks now and I continue to think about him and am forever changed, especially when I'm driving. This has also been a very good reminder that each day is special and life is very precious.

For now, I must get ready for work.

Be sure to tell those you love how much you love them. Also, remember to smile at someone today! :)

Until next time....

Hope...

The dictionary defines hope as "to cherish a desire with anticipation"

I have this beautiful ring that says HOPE and it sits on my left hand ring finger. I often look down at it and smile, thinking to myself "it's almost as if I am married to hope". I think that we as humans get caught up in the day to day crap and forget about so many things including hope. I told someone months ago that there is always hope and got a severly negative response. This made me realize that we need to remember that our thoughts are things. If we don't believe that there is hope, there will be no hope. If we do not have hope, what are we left with? To me, hope is such a powerful message all by itself. If we have hope, anything is possible. I have actually considered changing my name to Hope because it has touched my life so strongly and feel that making the change would help empower me to inspire others. I have a long list of desires and do cherish each of them with great anticipation that they will happen. I know that many times people think I've got my head in the clouds, but I've never let go of the idea that was told me as a child by my dear mom....anything is possible! Why shouldn't we as adults continue that belief? Everyone is dealt with a different set of cards and presented with various different choices in life. We make decisions with the information we have at the time and should always continue to reach for our pure desires. Through all of my experiences and challenges, I have, at times, felt hopeless. But even though I felt hopeless, I never let go of hope and I believe that helped me deal with the severity of many things I've experienced. Plus, when things start turning around for the good, you know that your hope wasn't worthless.

For those that have hope are those that have opened the door to dream and believe.

Until next time...

Ah, what a tangled web...

Isn't it amazing the various different layers and turns life has and takes?! I could spend an entire day just watching life happen in complete amazement. There is always something going on in my life, not necessarily drama, but just a lot going on. It's been several weeks since my last post and I cannot believe how time just slips away. I did go to see an ENT and had a rather interesting appointment. I took yet another hearing test so they had their own results and then got to meet with the doctor. I went to the appointment fully prepared...medical history I wrote, notes from the Otoneurologist (dizzy doctor as she calls herself), MRI images, the works. I do think he was impressed with this because he did take time to read through the medical history and notes I brought for him to keep. I was able to tell him the history, what was going on with my ear and expressed my frustration with no answers. He did respond in agreement with the Otoneurologist and doesn't think I have Meniere's Disease. What blew my mind was that he actually thought the pain/pressure in my ear could be related to clenching my teeth. He recommended aleve twice a day and a bite guard at night. I said I would try it, but after trying to get the bite guard with my FSA card with no luck....I had to wait until I had money and then ended up with strep & 2 ear infections and am just now to a point I think I can actually use it at night (even though there is only 2 weeks to my next appointment). I did, however, start the aleve twice per day as he suggested. This has helped a little bit. I also was able to see a dentist later in the week and brought up what the doctor mentioned and they checked my teeth and jaw....said there is NO sign of clenching or biting. The more I thought about what the ENT doctor said, the less it made sense....this pain/pressure has been happening off and on for the last 5 years. Surely if I had been clenching my teeth that long (even just at night) there would be some kind of wear on my teeth and jaw that a dentist could easily see. So this leaves me in a state of confusion (yet again) and I have every intention of discussing this when I see the ENT doctor again in a few weeks. Another thing that is frustrating with this ear thing....is that I do have hearing loss, but it's not decible/volume hearing loss. It's inability to make out sounds (known as discrimination) and throw background noise in....forget it! For some reason, it doesn't seem to be showing on the tests they do and it's also frustrating me. I feel that my thought process is logical....if I'm constantly needing people to repeat themselves and they have to do it a little louder, how in the heck do I not have hearing loss? Clearly, it may not be severe, but it doesn't seem like they care to help address that my hearing is NOT the same as it was and is not at a normal level for a 28 year old....think I will be brining that up at the next appointment as well. I would really just like a friggin answer so we know how to fix it....but the more I continue on this mission, the more I am convinced that is much more of a challenge that I originally thought. But, never-the-less, I will continue to have hope!

As for my son.....ah my sweet boy....we did get to see a psychologist. It was funny because within the first 10 minutes of the appointment, he asked if I'd ever been told I have AD/HD...I said yes, but not officially diagnosed and he just smiled. I was expecting an answer more like "well consider yourself diagnosed" LOL. It was a really good appointment, we were there for 1.5 hours. In the end, he decided to leave the dosage for the AD/HD meds the same, but add something called Tenex to help because my son does probably have a little OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder) and fully has ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). He said it would take several weeks for the medicine to really show any progress for the ODD and we will meet with him again in one month to review everything. It has been several weeks and while not all the defiant behavior is gone, it is certainly less and that is impressive. Instead of my son fighting 10 times about something, he will drop it after 2 times. I continue to hope that this works really really well. I now am going to start down a path of reading some recommended books and look at what tools he has been given at school and in therapy that I can reinforce or remind him of at home. I think that these 2 meds along with tools, will make things soooo much better for him :)

As for my health insurance.....UGH (still)....Yes, I am very thankful to have health insurance, but I don't feel it's right when it sorta screws the ones that need it most. I have had a battle or two with them and in the end, I'm the one that is screwed. They are "still working" on the stuff with my son's therapy and that looks like it "should" be okay. However, my prescription co-pay is stuck at the outrageous amount of $250/month. Now, this upset me greatly and prompted me to call and see if there was any other assistance out there for people like myself. Luckily, I received a call from the Chronic Disease Fund and qualified for assistance so my co-pay will only be $10/month....that lifted a load of bricks of my chest...phew! Even though I'm very relieved, it is clear to me that my new health insurance and pharmacy both suck and I'm just going to have to deal with it....I continue to have problems with them both, but am too tired to go into detail at this time.

Those are the main updates I wanted to share since my last post. However, that is not even close to what all has happened in the last two weeks. I will try to get back on and write more tomorrow as I want to make this a more frequent event, but for now, I must go to bed and get some rest.

Until next time....

Life's little adventures...

As I sit here away from work for one day, I think to myself how amazing this world is. I have so many wonderful women in my life, a reliable job, 2 beyond beautiful children, ability to walk~see~hear, a powerful mind and life's little adventures. I've started putting together a business model in my head for my artwork along with the beginnings of a website. I will be going out to various locations to see what the art world is all about here in this gorgeous state of Colorado with the goal of better understanding out this will work for me going forward. That's a bit of an update, what I really want to blog about today is life's little adventures. The first month of 2009 is already gone and I had several adventures. One with my health, another with my son and another with my health insurance.
Adventure 1 ~ my health...I had a follow up appointment after some testing done regarding my dizziness. The doctor was cordial, but arrogant. She began by asking me lots of questions, which was fine because I hadn't seen her since 2004. Next, we talked about the testing and how everything looked "normal" and there is no progressive hearing loss which leads her to believe that I don't have Meniere's disease, but instead have Migraine associated dizziness that is also made worse by the MS. So, I agreed to try a new medicine that is "supposed" to reduce the dizziness, but we won't know for sure until I've been on it for 2 months. I really disagree with this doctor and do think that I have Meniere's disease based on my own research and conversations with others that have been medically diagnosed with it and do not have progressive hearing loss. However, I am excited to say that I'm going to see an ENT doctor today and hopefully we can make some progress toward my mission in figuring out exactly what I have.
Adventure 2 ~ my son...this child has AD/HD and most likely ODD (we are in the process of finding a psychiatrist for this part). Due to some issues with our new health insurance, he ran out of his meds in early January and was able to restart them on 1/25....this was a very good reminder to NEVER let this happen again. He's been back on his meds for almost 10 days now and I am starting to see relief once again. Since he is only 9 (as of today)....he doesn't understand that his behavior affects my health so much so I can't blame him for that, but it has been a challenging month causing many problems with my headaches and fatigue. I am sooooo thankful that he is back on his meds!
Adventure 3 ~ my health insurance....let me start by saying UGH! First, they didn't get our ID cards to us in a timely manner....we didn't even get them until 1/23. Then, there were problems with the prescription deductible and coverage for my son's therapy and most recently the co-pay for my medicine. I am so frustrated with this AND they are not responding to my inquiry quickly. I will be out of medication this Friday and will be very unhappy if this isn't resolved today or tomorrow. Even if they do the right thing, I will be reporting this company to the insurance commissioner of Colorado for misrepresentation of coverage and poor claims handling.

What I find most interesting is that I've managed through the last month....even though I haven't been in the best mood....I have made it through. I know that more of life's little adventures are in store throughout the rest of this year and continue to believe that this is going to be an awesome year full of new beginnings.

For now I must depart for a doctor's appointment (so yes, expect a blog about the findings :) )

Until next time....

~Hope~Dream~Believe~